My timidity sucks.
I have never planned “big” things for myself. I have always been hearing out my parents’ opinions on every matter, and things would usually end up with me doing exactly what they said. I know it shouldn’t be that way because I’m already in college – old enough to make wise decisions and mature enough to accept mistakes - but I’m scared of failing, that’s why I don’t really decide for myself. As much as possible I want my parents to tell me what to do. I also want them to be updated on everything that’s happening in my life – new friends, teachers, classmates, subjects and even crushes (it’s not like I always have one) to avoid big troubles. I remember when I was still in the 6th grade, I told my mother about this half-Iranian skater boy who orates and my mom was like “Ta, he looks like a grasshopper”. Yes, he’s thin and super-duper tall but he’s smart. Being able to tell my parents about everything really makes me feel at ease. Although sometimes I lie but I make sure that it wouldn’t damage anything that has been perfectly built.
It was my parents’ decision to enroll me in the schools that I have attended namely AEMSHS, Evangelical and Ateneo. Now, I’m currently studying in UP and that is because of my parents. It’s not that I don’t like the school and the course they have chosen for me, I just really feel that this is not what I really wanted. College should be like the stage in your life where you can define yourself, but unfortunately, I can’t define myself because I feel like I’m in the wrong place. I want to explore the world, study abroad or something. I really believe that when you have done something great, you could really contribute something greater. That’s how I see things and I think that’s also how things work.
Second semester is finally over and I’m having second thoughts on continuing my UP life. Yes, you have read it right, I have considered transferring school. I phoned my parents a month ago and they sounded very supportive of my decision. For the record, this would finally be the first and biggest decision I have ever made for myself. It scares me a lot because I’d be sacrificing not just my next entire year but my entire life. I’d be leaving a lot of people behind too. I want to do this so badly because if not, I would not be able to know what I’m really capable of and I think I’d be regretting that forever. I know that there’s an immense possibility of failing but at least I’ve tried. I just want to know my limits and understand fully or if possible develop whatever capabilities I have in me. I just thought that maybe there’s a life waiting for me out there, I just really have to take big risks. So now, I’m bound to go home on the 21st, face my folks and discuss the big plans I’m about to pursue. I’m not just scared, I’m horrified! To all deities, please help me on this.
